Death, loss, grief, depression. Cheery, right?

Death, loss, grief, depression. Cheery, right?

These aren't topics it's easy to read about or talk about, let alone live through.
Whether the loss is big or small, expected or unexpected, loss is uncomfortable and unpleasant. We usually think of loss as relating to something tangible like people in our lives, pets, or sentimental objects, but grief can also be felt from the loss of the intangible: a relationship, love, or even an idea we had of ourselves. Unfortunately, loss is something we all go through. The more we love, the more we have to lose. But as M. Scott Peck writes in his (mind-blowing) book The Road Less Travelled, "it is death that provides life with all its meaning".

In Stoic philosophy, there is an expression 'memento mori' which means 'remember you will die'. Even just writing that makes me feel uncomfortable; the pain of death and loss is something we all, naturally, take great steps to avoid. But there is something to be said for remembering our own mortality and acknowledging our finite time as a tool for us to stay focussed and grounded and give us perspective. (Ryan Holiday writes about this in more detail here.) It may seem a little dramatic or too uncomfortable to embrace as an idea, but for all our efforts to avoid the pain of loss, it is something that is universal to us all.

There are many times where reframing something can help us to feel better. Rewriting and reframing the narrative can serve to flip a negative situation into something positive. That is not to say that the grief of loss can be fully reversed, but just to say that we can reframe it into a lesson or a reflection. In The Road Less Travelled, there is a chapter entitled 'The Healthiness of Depression'. It is a refreshing reframing of something which, arguably, holds only negative connotations. Depression, Peck argues, is our natural response to having to give up "something loved - or at least something that is a part of ourselves and familiar". When we aren't feeling happy with ourselves or with our lives, we are holding onto this idea of us before whatever has happened that is making us feel unhappy. We cling to who we used to be, how things used to be and remember times when we did feel happy and wonder what we're doing wrong now. Recognising depression as an expected response to loss helps us view it with a greater kindness and understanding. By reframing it we have decided not to engage in a battle with it.

So, memento mori: remember your own mortality. Perhaps a meditation on mortality is the greatest mindful moment you can take.

Mindful tip: To bring this back to a slightly cheerier note, I'll leave you with a quote from Phoebe from Friends: “If you don't do it now you'll be kicking yourself when you're 80 and that's how you break a hip”. Loss is painful, yes, but it can also be a chance for us to reflect and regain our focus on what is important to us. So, carpe diem, seize the day, and live on for those who can no longer be here with us. In the words of M. Scott Peck: "the pain of giving up is the pain of death, but death of the old is birth of the new".