Now that I’m 30…
MINDFUL MOMENTS # 132
Did I mention that last week I turned 30? I have jokingly said to various people this week that I feel so much better now I’m 30. It seems like a slightly ridiculous thing to say, because what has changed, really? It seems to me that turning 30 has been a sort of “scape goat”, or at least proxy measure of change; an excuse for long overdue decisiveness on my part.
I keep starting sentences with “Now that I’m 30…” and of course I say this mostly in jest, but as they say, however far we go to hide it, all jokes are infused with some truthfulness:
Now that I’m 30 I can’t really be bothered with being so afraid of things.
Now that I’m 30 I feel much more decisive.
Now that I’m 30 I find it much easier to ask for what I want - and know what I deserve.
Let’s face it, nothing changed - not really. And yet somehow there has been a very fundamental shift in my thinking.
I haven’t spoken about this on here before, but I suffer with emetophobia, which means a phobia of vomiting. Just seeing the word ‘vomiting’ on my screen right now has started a series of physical symptoms for me: increased heart rate, widened eyes, panicked thoughts based on superstitious premises and a tight knot in my stomach. It has many similarities to OCD in that I form a series of rules - often unconsciously so - that I live by to keep me “safe” (or so it would have me believe). It often prevents me from eating, sleeping, travelling or trying new things and is a significant contributor to feelings of anxiety.
I could write a lot more about it and its limiting effects on my life, but I wanted to talk about it in the context of turning 30. The day after my birthday, I felt really sick with a flare of reflux/gastritis symptoms I’ve been getting recently. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t drink - at my own party! I spent a lot of mental energy that day trying to reassure myself, constantly reminding myself to relax and be present and be grateful for all the people who had come to celebrate with me. Throughout the evening, thankfully, I was able to relax and enjoy myself and the next day, I felt great again. But then, what happened that evening? I was lying in bed and I realised - for the first time all weekend - that I hadn’t thought about my dad - on my 30th birthday!
Grief is so often attached to guilt, perhaps often irretrievably so. Of course, I felt slightly guilty, but I knew partly it was because I had been busy and enjoying myself and, for the most part, I had been happy. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the preoccupation of my thoughts with being unwell had taken up so much headspace that that was partly why I hadn’t stopped to think about my dad.
In that moment, I got bored of myself. I got so bored of a preoccupation with feeling sick and being sick and worry about feeling sick and being sick. I felt angry that I had wasted a whole day thinking about this, when I could have been enjoying myself and reflected, however briefly, on my dad. I finally got tired of it.
Now that I’m 30, I can’t be bothered wasting so much time and energy worrying. I appreciate that I can’t undo a lifetime’s worth of neural pathways that want to send me down that route with just a single thought, but I have been surprised at how much can change from just a single decision.
Mindful moment: It’s true when they say the only thing holding you back is yourself. I always disliked this phrase: yes, I agree, of course, but what do you want me to do about it? Sometimes we just have to draw a line in the sand and be intentional about letting go of a version of ourselves that no longer fits; a version that we no longer want, deserve or have grown out of. Sometimes we just have to be firm with ourselves and say when enough is enough. Sometimes we have to use occasions, like birthdays or anniversaries - or even just the first of the month or Mondays - as a gift to ourselves to start again and move forward. I’m learning that a single decision can have much more power than you might think.
YOGA
Mindful Movement with Laura
Join us every Saturday from 11am-12.15 at the Cornerstone Community Centre in Hove for an all-levels vinyasa yoga flow class, meditation and mindfulness (mats provided or bring your own). £6 per class or £24 for 5.
Upcoming classes:
October 14th, 21st, 28th
November 4th, 11th, 25th
(no class Nov 18th)
REFLECT
“This man is suffering from memories”
- Freud
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Welcome to the Community.
I'm Laura, a yoga teacher and NHS doctor. With this weekly newsletter I aim to help you incorporate mindful moments into your week. I want you to feel inspired, empowered and creative. I promise to always be authentic; to only include content that speaks to me and which, therefore, I hope will do the same for you.
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